I read Choice Theory for the first time in 2006 as part of the Academy for Family Coach Training’s curriculum to become a Parent Coach while also serving as a consultant and enrollment specialist to the company. I have re-read it many times since and have given it to every one of my new clients. I believe it to be that substantial and impactful.
To a person, those who’ve read it have told me that they wished they’d opened it up and started reading it sooner. Filled with gems that empower relationships and create the possibility for more growth and joy in our lives, it is a rich text chock full of practical, actionable wisdom that, in my opinion, belongs on everyone’s book shelf.
The premise, stated in the first line of the preface, is simple: “This book is about how important relationships are to a successful life.” To love another well, we must love ourselves well and tend to this relationship. Similarly, to lead another well, we must be able to self-lead well. This is a practical guidebook for this purpose.
In a couples, friend or workplace relationship, Glasser reminds us that there is me, you and we, the relationship. In other words, three parties, not two, are present at all times. And each has its own needs, wants and values. We have to pay attention to and care about this. If not, the relationship, even the one with ourselves, is at real and predictable peril, and our ability to serve others well, consistently and with an open heart, will be compromised.
Glasser talks about five categories of needs that require conscious exploration and attention for relationships to succeed: Survival, Love and Belonging (in particular, loving one’s self), Power and Control, Freedom, and Fun. He asks us to pay attention to these, to ask where we’re out of balance, to check in and see if our relationships are “up to date,” and notice if there’s real agreement and reciprocity.
In other words, do our agreements with ourselves and one another matter? Are we keeping our promises? Is our talk empty or are we practicing what we preach? And he offers paths forward, paying specific attention to our behaviors (emphasizing that our actions speak louder than our words).
If you want to build happy, healthy, easy to sustain and deeply meaningful relationships at home and in the workplace, and experience the success that tends to accompany these, read this book and begin with the relationship with yourself!
This is a good book to read with others, ideally, those with whom you want to build special and long-lasting relationships. It can also guide you through relationship rupture and repair.
I trust that, in doing so, you will be more able to choose for the life you want to live, stay close to the people you love, lead and care about, show up and lead as you intend, and experience the personal freedom and expression that you crave.
(Find this book in the Recommended Reading section of my website, under: Guiding Principle #1: Put Relationships First)
